On the Death and Dying of Youth
by Adam Epp
Summary: Confronted with an unwanted realization, Ichigo attempts to preserve the status quo...to no avail.


**Author's ****Note: **Written for the fifth day of Ichigo's Birthday Festival, the theme being laces. Though, this story is inspired more by a scene from _The __Ikari __Doctrine_, by ChiRho, as well as a psychological concept.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Bleach.

_"Dying is something we human beings do continuously, not just at the end of our physical lives on this earth. "_

_- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross_

_---_

The realization was, more than anything else, unanticipated.

It occurred late one night when he and Rukia had been watching TV, bored out of their skulls without any hollow attacks. The room was illuminated by the blue glow from the television set, and smelled like home. Rukia had begun to doze off, either from the late hour or the intense heat, so Ichigo used that opportunity to simply stare at her.

A small, slimy, strand of snot snuck out of her right nostril and was soon to make a rendezvous with the trail of drool that had escaped from Rukia's normally luscious lips, which had been marred by the vestiges of junk food. Thick, slick, shiny beads of sweat danced over her brow and across her cheeks. Her eyes were only partially open and had been dulled by drowsiness; Ichigo squinted his own eyes and could see a bit of gunk forming along the edges of her sockets. Blades of dark, black hair spilled haphazardly all over her sweating face, and cascaded bizarrely onto the back of the couch her head was leaning against. Tiny, lonely fragments of earwax had made their way out of Rukia's auditory canal. Rukia's loose-fitting, light blue top had scrunched up as her chest moved up and down with each breath, giving her a rather unkempt appearance. Not to mention her dark blue skirt rolled up her thighs indecently, due to her squirming. In general, she looked like a mess.

Yet...

_I __love __her, _he thought.

Wait.

_I-I love her?! What the hell?! That can't be right!_ Ichigo rejected his earlier realization. _The __heat __must __be __screwing __up __my __brainwaves. __Rukia's __just __my __friend. __Just __a __friend._

Ichigo's gaze turned to the sleeping beauty to his right once again, but Ichigo mentally slapped himself and tore his vision away from her.

_She's just a friend! I do_ not _love her!_

His assertion resolute, Ichigo slammed his eyelids down and forced himself to try and get some rest.

He was unaware that dreams of a Death Goddess awaited him.

Gracefully, Rukia slashed the open air, a trail of blood splashing against the wall in its wake. Then, with an elegance only Rukia could manage, she proceeded to wipe the blood off her dazzling white sword.

Contrasting this gentle serenity, the decapitated remains of the hollow slaughtered by Rukia collapsed and slumped onto the ground.

Ignoring the hollow, Rukia turned and showed her stunning, immaculate teeth to Ichigo with a spectacular smile, juxtaposing the streaks of blood on her face and staining her _Shinigami _robes; none of it was _her _blood, of course.

The sight made Ichigo's heart skip a beat.

_I __love __her, __dammit! _Ichigo could deny it no longer, like he had been since that night a couple days ago. _It's true! Shit! Now our teamwork is going to fall apart, and it's all going to be my fault! All because of these cursed feelings! How am I supposed to work with her when I just want to protect her all the time?! Every moment we'll spend together from now until the end...ruined. If only she felt the same way... Damn..._

_Dammit! Dammit! Dammit!_

"Uh, Ichigo?" Rukia's voice broke through his internal conflicts. Her bloodied face was heavy with concern. "Did that hollow injure you somehow? You look strange."

"It's nothing," Ichigo brushed her anxieties aside.

"Fine. You know," remarked Rukia, "you should try not to frown so much. You'll get wrinkles."

Rukia burst into giggles at her own joke, turned away, and headed for home. Ichigo's eyes lingered on her form.

_Damn __it __all!_

_---_

"So then I was like, 'Just pump him full of anaesthetics and get me a scalpel. He's only been shot a few times in the abdomen. It's nothing I can't...'"

Isshin's words faded into obscurity in Ichigo's mind, which was occupied with the woman at the opposite end of the table.

Rukia's attention was devoted to the plate of food before her, a delicacy of Yuzu's she'd never tried before. Tentatively, she picked up a piece of meat and brought it towards the gaping maw known as her mouth. With a hint of apprehension, she clamped down on it and began to chew. She took a moment to let the flavour sink in, then her face lit up in a grin; the smile just became wider with each bite after that.

_Maybe I can just act nicer towards her on Thursdays..._ Ichigo tried to make a compromise with himself. _No, no, no! That's no good! I might slip up and she'll find out! Then it's all over because she doesn't feel the same way._

"...then that assistant passed out! I mean, come on! You'd think he'd never been drenched in a patient's blood before! Sheesh, when I started practising..."

_We usually see each other less often on Tuesdays! Maybe that could work! Yeah, yeah!_

"...two people to look after now. Of course, I'm probably the best doctor in these parts, so it was..."

Yuzu and Karin were fighting over something, and this only caught Ichigo's attention because Rukia had jumped in to smooth things over. Quickly, the quarrel simmered down and soon all three were laughing.

_Definitely, I don't have to...confess...or anything for a long time. I'll just cool it with the arguing on, uh, Fridays._

"...ended up dropping my pen in that guy's stomach...Hey! Ichigo! Listen to me!"

_Yeah, just be nicer to her occasionally so I don't do something stupid like-_

Ichigo's thoughts were brought to a sudden halt by a flash of pain on the left side of his face. All dialogue at the table stopped as the girls prepared for another battle between father and son.

"What the hell, old man?!" roared Ichigo, knocking the table over and assuming a fighting stance. "Why the hell did you punch me no reason?! What if I choked on something and died?!"

"As if that could happen," laughed Isshin, "I just wanted to teach you a lesson. You were wide open since you were so busy staring at-"

Before Ichigo's father could finish that condemning sentence, his son gave him a loving roundhouse kick to the face.

"Not...too shabby..."gasped the maniac, "I've taught you...far too well..." He took a deep breath, and continued, "...Yuzu...Karin...Rukia...I love you..."

And, thus, he finally collapsed to the floor.

"Honestly, Ichigo, you've got to stop these stupid duels with your dad," reprimanded Rukia, "it completely ruins supper! I can understand why you'd want to beat him up a bit and all, but..."

Ichigo zoned out the rest of what she was saying, choosing to pay attention to how great she looks even when she was chewing him out.

_Just __on __Mondays..._

---

"Hey, Kurosaki, why are you looking so down?" Orihime asked kindly. "...Uh, Kurosaki..?"

But Ichigo paid her no attention, and just walked by her in the hallway.

His attempt to act kinder to Rukia sporadically had failed miserably. Ichigo had ended up being nice way too often and when the _Shinigami_started to notice, he panicked and started screaming at her to compensate. Now, the object of his affection was pissed off at him.

_I just ended up making things worse... _he hung his head. _Life __sucks._

"Yo, Ichigo," Chad greeted normally.

He got no answer. Stunned, Chad watched a morbid Kurosaki Ichigo pass by him.

_What can I do to fix things? Whatever I try just fails..._ Ichigo's thoughts sunk into despair.

"Kurosaki! I told you not to fraternise with me on campus!" reminded an irate Ishida. "...Uh, Kurosaki..?"

_Is __it...__over __between __us? _Terror shot through Ichigo, who was still completely unaware of his surroundings and was moving towards class on auto-pilot. Had he been heeding his habitat more closely, the volcanic eruption of an ignored Ishida may have worried him. But, something more worrisome concerned him.

_This __is __the __end..._

And entering the classroom with that thought on his mind, Ichigo saw the source of his anxieties waiting for him. Scowling.

He sighed.

---

He and Rukia were walking home now after an awkward, silent day at school.

She was still mad at him.

_I...I'm not sure I can take this much longer..._ Ichigo's sanity began to vanish.

"Really, Ichigo, calling me a selfish bitch was entirely uncalled for. All I did was ask why you were being so nice!"

Yeah, she was still mad at him.

_Just telling her the truth can't be worse than this!_ concluded Ichigo, finally embracing the changes with himself.

"So, why don't you get your out of your ass and-"

"Rukia," he interrupted.

"What?"

Ichigo summoned up all the courage he had, more than he had needed to defeat any foe, took a few breaths to calm his nerves, and...

"...I love you."

A pause. Longer than any Ichigo could remember.

Her response was, more than anything else, unanticipated.

She burst into a fit of laughter. It took her a while to speak.

"Yeah, so what?" she finally got in between chortles, "I love you, too, but you don't hear me telling you that!"

Ichigo tripped after hearing her return his sentiments so casually.

"Hey, are you okay?!" her laughter died as soon as he fell. Distress replaced it.

Hurriedly, Ichigo untied his shoe laces.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine," Ichigo answered her, brushing the dirt off his pants and pointing to his feet, "I just stepped on my shoe laces and hit the ground before I knew it. That's all."

"Some _Shinigami _you are," she teased as she started to laugh again, "if you're stupid enough to forget to tie your shoelaces."

_Yes, _Ichigo agreed with her, _I __am __stupid..._

_For __doubting __you._

---

The End

---

Originally, I was going to write a story where Ichigo and Rukia go through parallel situations, with both being unaware that the other feels exactly the same. But, I scrapped that and reworked this story to fit into the Festival at Bleach Asylum. Oh well.


End file.
